Special case1

Should I write on the blog??
Finally..I decide to put into the blog
May be blog is one way for me to lay down all my thinking, feeling, ...

On 25/9/05 (sat)
I am realised my right side breast have a lump after the check up. That time i really don't know how to react. Not a fear but my mind just blank...well, not much time to think about that, rush to chalet to celebrate and help up my sister tricia. She is waiting for me.

At night have told Josh...my shepherd.

On 26/9/05 (sun)
After breakfast, mandy, lirong and me started to worship god...
I know God is comforting me... He know I try to cover up all my feeling
but he release me and i cry... I felt so uncertainly.
but I remember his grace is sufficient for me.

Evening,I have told Inn siew about my case...she gave me info and offer her help to accompany me...I thank god i can tell her naturally. At least I know someone is there for me.
I am tired...

....Days passed by....

never thought of the sickness....
may be too busy with some other things....
or too tired to think...a hectic schedule...

but realised something change...
My emotion started flow up and down....frustrated, angry easily.
What happened to me. Especially in cg on 29-9 , I realised
my heart have closed up... I showed unfriendly face to my care group members

I feel bad..but the emotion is so strong....don't feel want to talk to them
after cg just want to left the place...

on 6/10-- -
After combine cg, when meet up them at maxwell...
the emotion come again...I really feel bad
i know i have been affected cg...
along the way,..i feel sad. Grieve.
I know is HS. He grieve of my react.
what happen to me? how?
Last, i m realised my bitterness spirit grow...

I know I shouldn't...at night i pray through....
use kelly lessons " freedom of christ" to renounce of the sickness, struggle, fear, bitterness..
Thank god for the lesson.

7/10
I know i should appologize to tricia. I send her sms...
i want to believe what i pray...i want to believe God...

8/10
I met my sheep...accompany her doing the blood test to test tyroid...
half a day gone ..give myself a snap...
Sleep almost from 5pm to night

9/10
Start to busy with planning desmond birthday

10/10
help my friend buy baby stuff

11/10
Arrange mover.
meet with GM at AMK
to do the breast check out - and arrangement appointment for ultrasound
which is yearterday. the doctor look serious. after seeing doc, I sense the seriuos
of my case. I know i have to face it. I know is a time to think about it.

Though my heart and mind been bombak once again. Thank god for Gm accompany me.
Though she didn't talk much about sickness but she remind me of god grace.
Actually we are so fortune of what we have. We are blessed one.
I am agreed. indeed is true. nomatter how strong is the wind or storm, i know i have one big family that they continually keep me in prayer. they Pay concern to me and never give me up. they spend their time with me...

Mandy called...her call almost make me cry.. their concern remind me i am not alone..
I thank god for his people. even thank god use his people to encourage me.

Along the way in mrt, sudddenly the fear attack..
the voice come to my mind...
My mum case come to my mind again.
The sad word, the uncertainly.. dug out all my fear and make me hopeless...
The fear come again. ..

I sent sms to shepherd need her cover me in prayer. Thank god for her accompany.
At least can drag my attention out from the fear situation.
She talk and share with me...
just stay focus to god...she talk about eternal life..
thank god through the sharing and prayer, i have released from the fear...

I shouldn't live in fear but face everything with strong and courageous
he is good and is with me.
I have to believe..and trust...
he will back me up..